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A Designer's Confession

Many see me as an expert on clothes since I’m a designer. And sure… after five books about the deeper aspects of clothes, numerous lectures and workshops and after having helped many women find a clothing style that is more in tune with who they are, I guess I am. 

But there’s more to my story… 

Clothes became an important part of my life at eleven, when I started making my own. Later on I studied clothing and fabric design at college and worked for more than a decade in the fashion business. During those years I knew the fashion trends backwards and chose my daily outfit with confidence. It was fun trying out different styles, testing different attitudes and modes of being. 

Most would suppose I am still a confident dresser, that I always know the ”right” thing to wear and show up regularly in newly designed outfits. But the truth is...

I am not so confident about how to dress anymore.

Something happened along the way that made me leave the world of fashion, deviate from the path of trends and unspoken rules. A deep crises in my thirties totally changed my perception of who I am and opened me up to depths I never knew existed. I came out of it knowing I needed to heal. 

Since the puzzling question of identity had such a pull on me, I retrained to be an astrologer. As I become more and more familiar with this ancient language of energy, as well as the psyche, I had a deep insight that colors, patterns and garments were the perfect tools to correct the imbalances and blockages a person’s chart revealed. They were perfect tools to find the wholeness I so longed for. 

Tentatively at first, I slowly began to gather momentum. I wrote books, held seminars and designed collections based on a different set of rules. And I regained my confidence in how to dress. 

Design took on a new, different quality.

A few decades later a deep longing for my deepest roots, my true feminine Spirit, brought on another life crisis. This time I experienced a total death of the ego. Every tiny piece of security I had held on to was dissolved as a timeless part of my being came fully into awareness. I came out of it on shaky legs, feeling as vulnerable and naked as a newborn. 

In order to function the world I needed new clothes, made to help express the beauty of my feminine Spirit. But the question of identity was even more confusing now, since this metamorphosis gave me a whole new set of design challenges. My Self had replaced myself and I could no longer be described with character traits (so easily translated to clothes). 

This deeper part of my being embraced all opposite characteristics. Yet there was uniqueness.

In spite of a nagging doubt that it might not be possible to express Spirit through clothes, I knew in my heart that what can sensed can also be expressed in form. But it was difficult because, with this inner Beauty, past memories of terror, rage and grief were revived. I saw terrifying past consequences to fully expressing my true Self.

For years I was on the threshold, lingering, taking a small step at the time. I knew I could only be as confident in how I dressed as I was at home in my true identity. Yet again, in this magical journey of unfolding our inner Beauty, I am slowly gaining momentum…

My latest book - Feminine Threads - tells the story of my journey of unfoldment with clothes.

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